Self sabotaging behavior

Tonight was a bad night for me...

"YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!" "DAMNIT NO YOUR NOT!" "You'll never be." "Stop trying." "Your replaceable and not loved."

These words scream in my head! Another fight to take place from my feelings of self doubt escalating too fast for me to get a grip on. My thoughts are racing and jumbled in my head! I feel jealous and insecure and it turns into rage. My husband has not given me any reason to believe that I'm not attractive enough or pretty enough for him and yet, there I am. Calling him out on how he hasn't given me a compliment on something, so it must be crap. How he didn't notice I'm letting my hair grow out for him, so I must look ugly. All these irrational thoughts that I feel when I'm at a low point. When I'm not feeling down I do not feel this way, however tonight my brain was fishing for a reason to be unhappy. Why? That's the question I ask myself just about everyday. Why cant I be happy? I sure as hell deserve to. My husband finally got a good job, he sends me money for my car and for anything I or our daughter need. He tells me everyday that I am beautiful even though every single time I reply with something negative about myself, he's there listening while I cry picking apart every flaw I think I have.  I'm continue to hate myself until he tells me he cannot deal with it anymore, he cannot handle how terrible the things are I'm saying about myself and he threatens to not speak to me until I change, but deep down I cannot change my thoughts I am fighting a never ending battle in my brain.

I think back to where this could have all started. Why am I in so much pain? Has anyone ever made me feel so ugly that I have to doubt the way I view myself and criticize every chance I get to look myself in the mirror. I was bullied in middle school and high school, but could that really be the route? Could it possibly be because my step father constantly told me I only cared for myself with no regards to anyone around me whatsoever? That was almost 7 years ago and yet that thought is painful and so fresh in my mind. All the memory's come flying back. The emotional abuse I remember too clearly. The fear he instilled in me, his presence made me unnerved. My stomach would ache every time he came home from work. I knew that's when he was most angry and I knew that I was going to be in trouble. I was always in trouble. Even when I was sleeping I was doing something wrong. I couldn't seem to do anything right. The dishes I washed daily after school along with my chore list were not done well enough, my shoes were not aligned properly on the mat and by god he could have fallen and broken his neck, which lead to him storming up the stairs and flicking my light on at 3 am on a school night to yell at me until it was time for me to get ready for the bus. He was always fond of his lectures lasting 2-3 hours. Almost daily I would receive his constant scowls. At points I would just accept that it was coming and know that for whatever reason I should be sorry. I started walking around apologizing, literally saying sorry for my presence. I found a level of comfort in always taking the blame because it was easier. Until his lectures turned  much worse than a 2-3 hour speech about how selfish and ungrateful I was. There are many things leading up to this, but this is the most clear and vivid memory I have of him.

It was a late night, I was age 13. I had my first cell phone and I was very interested in a boy I met through a friend. I wanted him to like me so bad that I stayed up past my curfew to talk to him. I heard the foot steps up the stairs and I panicked! "Please god don't let him catch me." He entered my room and I pretended to sleep. He wasn't convinced. He grabbed my cell phone and checked the call log. "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL UP ON THE PHONE?" His words hit me like knives in my chest. "HUH? ANSWER ME!" I shake the words out that I am over excited to talk to a new friend. He takes my phone and pockets it, then yells for my mother who was at the time reading a book downstairs. She doesn't answer. He grabbed me by my arm and dragged me down the stairs. Screaming about how I don't deserve the phone and how he spends hours at work to pay for it just for me to turn around and betray him this way. The thought repulsed him so much he could barely stand the sight of my face. I stood in front of my mom shaken up, frightened and hopeful shell finally say something to him. As usual she senses he's too angry and keeps to herself. He repeats how much I anger him and the very thought of him wasting his money on me is something he can't stand. He throws first the tv remote, it breaks against the wall. Then grabbed the book from my moms hands and throws it across the room, telling her to deal with her ungrateful daughter. She replies with "I don't know what you want me to say." He only got angrier and my worst fear comes to life as he backed me into the corner of the wall and staircase with his hands around my neck. In that moment I had never been more scared. Was he going to choke me? How bad was it going to hurt? Would he hit me too? I closed my eyes and was trying to prepare myself for what was coming. His words were all I got. "Get out of here before I hurt you, I can't stand to look at your face anymore." Crying I ran upstairs to my bed. I was scared of him. So scared I wanted to run. I wished there was a place I could have gone to take the pain away. I was done. I didn't want to live in fear anymore.

The abuse continued, unfortunately for a long time before my mother had decided she didn't want him around. though he never actually "hurt" me he always made it a point to me that he could at any given moment. His message was clear to me. It was my fault. The attitude that I wasn't good enough followed me and still does. In my years of therapy I have spent countless hours trying to rebuild self esteem. I try to retrain my thoughts so that believe I am a person just as good as anyone. It's a fight that no one should be fighting. No one should feel so low.

I used journals to help me. I have found the most effective way of feeling better is spending time with those you love. When my daughter laughs it brightens my mood, knowing that she depends on me to stay strong. It keeps me from completely breaking down.

and the fight continues..!