Introduction to my crazy life

About me

I would like to start by introducing myself and say that I hope my blog is relatable. I hope that you can read what I write and feel that you are not alone because we all struggle.

I'm 21, married, with a daughter that's 17 months. She is everything to me. I've been married just under a year. I've struggled with depression for a large portion of my life. When I met my husband I was at a very low point. I had imprisoned myself in my house until I eventually had a fear of stepping outside my door. My doctor diagnosed me with agoraphobia. Saying the word makes me sick. I have never felt more lost until I became housebound.  My anxiety at some of it's scariest points and my depression at some of my lowest points. I was only 17 years old. I should have been focused on my school work and graduating high school, but instead I was inside my home fearful of life in general. I did not graduate. I had a boyfriend who was a very active gamer, while at first I did not agree with his habits, I eventually took on gaming myself as an "outlet" for everything I was coping with. It was easier living in a virtual world then reality. The game we played was World of Warcraft. I loved it! I could become a badass fearless character without having to leave my bedroom! I could explore the world and travel anywhere I wanted without actually have to leave my "safe zone" of course it was a fake world but nevertheless a world I wasn't afraid of. I met some great people on the game, some friends I still talk to. I also met one special person in particular, my husband. Another entry Id love to share more with you about how we were eventually led to making the decision to meet.

My depression

A little about how I feel when I'm depressed, helpless, angry, temperamental, and much more. I tend to not eat and like to talk to a few of my friends (which I tend to use as "safety nets") about how miserable I am in hopes that someone will randomly take all my pain away.  A safety net is someone or something you run to when your feeling out of control. I have 3 friends that go back and forth with me, I even have one friend that I am his safety net as well. We tend to pull people like magnets without even thinking about it. Naturally we are drawn to each other's pain and misery and we keep switching roles to help each other or victimize ourselves. It' a triangle that keeps going.

 I struggle with acceptance and being independent, when I reach these lows I feel I cannot be alone. I'm terrified of sleeping alone, being alone in a room for long periods of time, traveling alone etc I still do all of these things by myself because I have to. There are days though when I do not get up to pee until I can't hold it anymore. I'll feel my stomach growl but not eat, I'll smell my b.o. And bad breath and just continue laying in my bed. It takes everything to just snap out of it and say "ok, I'm going to go shower and feed myself and finally go to the bathroom" etc. When I tell people about my depression they tell me things like "shame on you, you have a baby shouldn't that be enough motivation to do better?" As if I don't love her or as if she's not good enough to pull me out of my funk. My baby girl is more than my everything to me.  I do not love her any less than any mom not struggling with these conditions. I will continue to use her as my motivation to keep going. She always will be.

Depression after fighting

My husband has been watching me go through some of the toughest times and unfortunately has been a victim of tough times himself. Our situation is unique and not so simple. We are both from two different countries. Even though we are practically neighbors, this is 2015 and being married doesn't mean you get to just work and live here in the USA. We have been trying to get him a green card for 2 years now. We do not have the finances. This has put a huge barrier on our relationship. Lately we have found out some more disappointing news and as usual it isn't looking good for us living in the United States. It's time to face fact, it's time I live with him. I am struggling to do so and we fight. We have both said things we don't mean. We are hurting each other more often, saying things we don't really mean. Our fights are a dead trigger to my anxiety and my depression. I feel a never ending knot in my stomach, the more out of control I act the further away I push him. I yell, I blame him. Through it all he still tries to reassure me he loves me until he's had enough, then the phone calls stop and the messages, leaving me to feel isolated, alone, and abandoned. This is when the lack of eating starts and the leaning on my safety nets. I push him to a breaking point because I'm feeling out of control until I get what I feared would happen. He still reluctantly answers my phone calls and when he feels he needs space still listens to me.  I'm still not satisfied. This dark cloud that lingers above my head won't be satisfied until I'm never happy.  I am hanging onto a string while it's blowing me around in a circle of storms. While I believe I deserve to be happy and when I get the courage to say I won't let this rule my life anymore, my brains yells "NOPE" "you are bound to suffer and it's your fault."

I still fight it and I will continue until I succeed.